Week A: Acting , Anxiety, and Anton Du Beke

ACTING SCHOOL:

Nicole Scherzinger of the Pussycat Dolls once said: “be careful what you wish for ‘cause you just might get it”. Indeed, Nicole’s wise words felt potent as I walked through the power doors of GSA (Guildford School of Acting) on my first day at Drama School.

When I was 12 I loved Drama so much that on my timetable, I would colour-in the little white square marked “drama” bright-bubblegum pink. Which is a big deal for a kid whose life was pretty grey. I was horrifically bullied throughout high school (let me fetch my mini violin), and Drama was the only class in which I wasn’t, well...terrorised. During a performance I escaped. I was somebody else, people listened to my character speaking- it was the most empowering thing I ever did. I used to get butterflies for the hour a fortnight I was allowed to escape into this world of make-believe: So when I got my place at GSA- it was the happiest moment of my life. This is the Golden ticket to heaven so… what’s it like in heaven?

10 hours of Shakespeare.

10 hours of body/vocal work

10 hours of acting technique.

So yeah, pretty dreamy if you’re a theatre geek like me!

I’ve learnt that a lot of what bad acting teachers thought was ‘acting’ was…well bollocks. But I’m also learning to make mistakes and be ‘generous’ which is something that GSA really focuses on, how much generosity and effort you can invest into the class. We were taught to work with unconditional love and openness, and isn't that miraculous in a world that tries to teach us to compete, store our wealth, and hide? Words like imagination, connection, sensitivity and empathy are sacred here and it feels amazing to feel truly like I’m learning about the industry. It’s like I was seeing the tip of the iceberg before, and now I’m allowed to approach its deeper roots and sharper edges that lurk below the surface. It's pretty mind-blowing.

But that hasn’t meant I haven’t found this week tough for other reasons.

SOCIAL ANXIETY:

I’m like Elsa before she lets it go. I need to protect myself so I appear super icy, which is cool as a metaphor but not so cool at making friends. It was my first day and frankly I felt nauseous. For someone who loves being on stage, I actually don’t like being showy or extroverted. I am much more comfortable by myself, or just talking to one or two other people. Being tossed into a room of 25 and having no idea what was going on or who I could talk to or how much inner crazy I was allowed… I flipped out and have been retreating inside my thoughts. I feel like you could run a room on the anxiety everyone was bouncing into and off of each other during those first few days, everyone desperately hoping not to be the 'worst' actor in the room...whatever that even means. I still try to tell myself that everyone experiences social anxiety, and maybe these people are genuinely nice and don’t secretly hate me, but that’s been what I’ve struggled with this week (as well as having no money to go and have a pint with them and feeling shame over that). I’m very lucky that I have formed a few connections with some people, but my demons weren’t about to disappear just because I'm at drama school. Shout out to any of my classmates reading this, I’m not a bitch I’m actually really nice! Be my pal!

Anton:

Anton Du Beke and his Strictly Come Dancing partner, Emma Barton sometimes train at GSA. Me and my new friend, Keeley flipped out when we discovered our classroom was being used as Anton and Emma’s REHEARSAL room. Imagine, sitting in a meeting with your tutor (a real-life miracle that happened to Keeley) and Anton Du Beke arrives at the door asking if he can use the room TO DANCE. ANTON DU BEKE! Wants to DANCE…in our classroom.

I noticed this week a huge red-glitter eyelash pressed into the floor of the drama studio- presumably a sly souvenir from the drag performance the night before. I thought about how that eyelash encompassed everything about this experience so far:

Intense, a little scruffy in the gaps, messy, bright and sparkling.