Dropping Out, Dancing and Devil-Parrots:

Dropping Out:

So, some of you may have noticed I skipped a week with the blog and it’s because I didn’t think I was good enough for Drama School let alone good enough to write about it. And not to be dramatic about drama school but I wanted to drop out.

I’ve been trying super hard not to deflate and cry in almost every single class, especially any lesson where we have to explore vulnerability. This week I also massively bombed sonnet class. All three performances of my Shakespearean sonnet, (written with such eloquence and rhythm and power)- just bombed. I can’t seem to do it right or serve it justly- it’s always TOO much or TOO little north or south of what the task asked of me. Seems kind of dumb but I just let little failures like this really bog me down and make me feel crappy about myself.

Weirdly, I happened to stumble upon an episode of Oprah’s Soul Conversations, specifically “Oprah and the False Power of Ego”. In this podcast Oprah discusses a story of her famous weight loss to fit into a pair of jeans. Oprah shares that losing weight was about the outside world, her ego, not her true self. Oprah gave up parts of herself to escape food, because that food equalled failure and what do we all fear: failure. What am I fearing when I get the call from the ego to run: failure. Oprah concludes that “operating out of ego means you’re operating out of fear” and this means “you’re always going to be scared and running for your life instead of being in alignment with your life”.

A failed photo.

Although acting isn’t weight loss, it’s still something that involves our image and our ego. I realise I was approaching sonnets class as if it’s a fad-diet- I want quick results and instant validation. However, this, like Oprah’s weight loss, is unsustainable, unhealthy and completely disconnected from what I need which is acknowledgement of failure and growth.

I have bombed my sonnet performance THREE times in front of the class. My ego told me that this incident was humiliating. But then I got to thinking (Carrie Bradshaw watch this space) that the reason behind why I wanted so much to ace these sonnets wasn’t really about gradual improvement or genuine learning- I just wanted to look good. By looking good, you receive validation and a pat on the back that says: “you’re meant to be here”- and maybe I’ve relied on other people’s validation for a bit too long- haven’t we all? So I’m working out how to get by and not want to drop out every time I don’t get the pat on the back that isn’t really going to help me at all.

Dancing:

On a happy note, one class I’ve been surprisingly enjoying is Laban. Laban explores a range of archetypal movements and relates them to how we build up a character. We did a fascinating exercise this week where we had to improvise for twenty minutes a dance just incorporating fast, direct Dabbing movements to a beat. We worked out as a group what these movements suggest about a character that is always jutting from place to place, direct action to direct action and I genuinely found it amazing to connect my body to a performance. Even your feet and their position on the ground communicate so much about your character and this is a huge revelation to me, who truly believed my body was just this thing lumping around after my head.

I am terrible at following any kind of routine (I am dreadful at reversing cars) and I was always crap at remembering choreography- but improvised dance is actually really up my street and if you can’t dance to save your life, try just randomly popping some moves because it’s so fun! I feel like dancing is really helping me just engage and have fun with my body and release all this tension and self-doubt from my body- I feel like Kate Bush after a coca cola.

Devil-Parrots:

Our tutor told our class this week to shoot our parrots. Fortunately, I’m more of a cat girl myself, and she was speaking metaphorically so your beloved Captain Cornflake can live to squawk another day. The metaphor is actually a super useful one- when we do something in life that asks us to perform or get something right (I get it reversing cars) a lot of us have a voice in the back of our heads, or looming on our shoulder telling us:

“You’re shit”,

“wow you’re reallllllly fucking this up”,

“maybe you should just… drop out?”

“give up already”.

Sound familiar? The class went on to discuss how we don’t have a positive parrot on our shoulder, an angel if you like that offers us nourishment and flattery;

“YOU’RE DOING AMAZINGLY”

“WOW, knocking it out the park!”

“You’re so darn lovable and worthy”

And I thought, maybe instead of killing the negative parrot because that’s impossible and criticism is useful to our growth why don’t I just try and balance out my parrot so it’s just an observer, an egoless parrot. A teacher advised me this week that every time I hear a negative voice telling me to shut up or I’m stupid (because I’m not) that I should just be aware and check this, acknowledge the parrot and move on. So, I’m encouraging myself to let the parrot be less cranky and more... Cher?